So I’m sitting in Costa having been to the doctor, then to Pets at Home to pick up Petal’s flea treatment, and a strangely zen trip around the pound store. Time disappears in cavernous stores like these. Until one spies the horror of one’s true reflection in one of the reasonably priced display mirrors in the home section, anyway.
Am I comfortable? Not exactly. But the cafe wasn’t particularly crowded when I walked in, so I managed to overcome the feeling that everyone was looking at me…just. Still can’t relax, though. I can’t just sit back and people watch. I hunch forward and me-protect instead. I brought my notebook and sketchbook but I’ve a long way to go before I feel comfortable getting them out to draw/write on in public. As it feels like an invitation for people to notice me. A narcissistic act (says the former actress, ironically). I really want to be able to do this though as it will help train my sketching eye. But I’m not ready yet.
Anyway here I am in Costa. I’ve finished my coffee now so I should probably get up and leave but I’m having trouble doing that too. I know those people sitting across aren’t laughing at me but it feels like they are. I look like a grumpy dumpy middle-aged cat woman.
I am going to acknowledge that at least I am Out. At least I didn’t go back home after the doctor, much as I was tempted to. I think that’s an improvement over the past little while. Maybe I’ll be able to make it Out again soon. I want to enjoy my own company, not spend the whole time being self-conscious and wishing I was at home.
Doctor was understanding as ever but really wants me on an antidepressant. I refused for now and said I wanted to see how I fare off them for a bit. After the fat inducing zombification nightmare of Mirtazipine.
I suppose I’m going to head home now. It’s weird though. Even though I couldn’t be said to be enjoying myself – too self-conscious – but now I’m out, I don’t want to go back yet.
My head drives me mad. It’s both warden and prisoner, in a jail it created. It rails uselessly against itself from both sides of the walls. It never unites the sides to bend the bars.